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108 Bachelor Housekeeping Tips

1. 4 concrete blocks and a door makes a good coffeetable.

2. Milkcrates make good bookcases.

3. Dishwashing soap can double for laundry detergent/shampoo.

4. Bubblegum makes good ceramic tile glue.

5. Duct tape and garbage bags make an effective window replacement.

6. Don't drive nails in ceramic tile. Just let the towel drop to the floor of the bathroom, so it can absorb excess water from the missing shower curtain.

7. A finger and baking powder make an effective replacement for toothbrush/paste.

8. Air freshener can double as deodorant.

9. Vaseline can substitute for household oil lubricants, for those squeaky doors.

10. When you're only towel is too dirty to use (or even touch with anything besides salad tongs) curtains will do for drying yourself. (just make sure you have the blinds closed)

11. Bedsheets will work as curtains.

12. On a low budget, you can survive on Rice-a-roni and Macaroni&Cheese for under $40.00 a month.

13. Not only are candles romantic, but they can temporarily replace your light source for those unforseen power outages (like when you blew the utility money on beer).

14. Duct tape is effective for removing lint from your suit.

15. Staples can substitute buttons on your shirt.

16. You never have to wash paper plates or plastic cutlery.

17. Empty beer cans make good ashtrays. (Full ones work good too, if you hate the person who's about to drink from it)

18. In states where they offer a deposit, empty beer bottles means more beer money.

19. Cheetos is not only one of the 4 main food groups, but it also meets many of the Recommended Daily Allowances for many vitamins and minerals.

20. Nintendo is a viable alternative to employment.

21. Spit and a shirt sleeve equates to a disinfectant and a band-aid.

22. Automotive Body Filler (Bondo) makes good wall plaster for those minor home repairs required after one of *those* partys.

23. Lamps do not _require_ lampshades.

24. Sleeping bags do not have to be "made" every morning.

25. That rear view mirror that fell out of your car last month can replace the one your friends broke in the bathroom last night. (a necessity for shaving with that Epilady *tm shaver)

26. Provided you handle them right, the police can show up 3 times at your party before someone is arrested.

27. Do not freeze your lettuce to preserve freshness. (or pets, for that matter)

28. Never answering the phone means never having to say you're sorry.

29. Never answering the door means never meeting anyone.

30. Scotch is a good disinfectant for those nasty cuts from flying bottles.

31. Empty beer bottles make good sedatives for those *surly* partygoers.

32. Shop vacs and a good water heater can imitate a carpet steam cleaner.

33. Soap film and hair (in sufficient quantity) can act as a drain plug. (to replace that one your friend swallowed on a dare)

34. By the time your carpet needs cleaning, it's time to throw it out. (Be sure to harvest the mushrooms first)

35. Couches don't have to have all the cushions to be functional.

36. Bic lighters _can_ roast a marshmallow. (they get mighty hot, though) "Warning: This lighter is not recommended for use to make toast."

37. Washcloths make good coasters. (for the "good" furniture)

38. Towels make good mops. (no need to scrub, just sort of push it around on the floor with your foot)

39. Gasoline and matches are not party favors.

40. Shirtsleeves can double as oven mitts. (although you should avoid using an oven at all costs)

41. Spray paint can cover up those unsightly cigarette burns on your countertops.

42. When you mistake a head of lettuce for a lime, it's time to clean out (or throw away) the refrigerator.

43. Catsup, Mustard, and Salsa are the only condiments you'll need.

44. Wallpaper is a waste. Sheets, rugs, and posters are better investments, and easier to hang.

45. Christmas Tree Lights arranged in cool designs equate as wall art.

46. Stobe lights _can_ be used in the bathroom.

47. Don't let one of your partyguests drink the contents of your lava lamp.

48. Don't try to use a household vacuum cleaner to clean up that oil spill in your garage. If you don't have a shop vac, just forget about it.

49. An iron is like a car with the keys in the ignition. It shouldn't be left unattended for any length of time.

50. Clorox should not be used to whiten teeth. If looks are that important, go see a dentist.

51. It is perfectly reasonable to spend more on your home entertainment system than on all the rest of your apartment's furnishings combined. (including your car)

52. If your pillows don't have pillowcases, you don't need to wash them.

53. You can run seven appliances off of the same outlet, provided you have enough extension cords.

54. 30 Gallon plastic trash cans make good laundry hampers. (or the bedroom floor)

55. When the time comes that you are forced by friends to do your laundry, make sure to lump the clean pile and the dirty pile together, (odds are there are enough cookie, pizza, and pretzel crumbs in both to make washing necessary) and then sort by smell.

56. The three types of laundry are: "Smells clean enough to wear one more time", "Eek, this one needs a bath!", and "Ohmygawd, throw it AWAY!"

57. On Saturday mornings, it's acceptable to clip your toenails into last Monday's cheerios. (discard clippings, then throw away the bowl, too)

58. When your celery starts to look like month old seaweed, quickly search for signs of intelligent life. If you notice a response, notify your nearest bioligical lab. If no intelligence is evident, then you can throw it away.

59. It's perfectly okay to buy vegetables and keep them hostage until they are dead. (of course, you shouldn't eat them)

60. Trash removal is a lot easier/cheaper if you just throw it in your neighbor's yard. (wait until nightfall for that car battery)

61. McDonald's Special Sauce Secret Ingredients: Thousand Island salad dressing. Impress your friends with your gustatory expertise. Especially effective with Bachelor's Breakfast; Bologna and cheese on green bread.

62. Moulded Orange juice will either get you drunk, or kill you. (would make a good experiment for biology lab, don't you think? Or perhaps just reserve it for those rats at home that keep waking you up at night)

63. Goldfish do not like beer. Or cigarettes.

64. If you find bits of food on the floor, it's perfectly acceptable to eat it if nobody sees you. (but you should at least be able to identify _what_ type of food it is, first)

65. If you're running short on clean(ish) clothes, underwear is optional. (socks as well)

66. Do not try to make french toast, an omlette, or grilled cheese in a toaster.

67. The oven can double as a clothes dryer in a pinch. (also, the microwave can work for those last minute situations, provided there's no metal buttons or zippers)

68. If any religious zealots show up on your doorstep, answer the door clad only in underwear, carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels. Offer them a beer and a hooker.

69. Just because it says "Milk" on the label, Phillips Milk of Magnesia is no substitute for real milk on your cornflakes.

70. That white chunky stuff floating on the top of your milk container is not cottage cheese. Don't try to use it on your microwave lasagna.

71. Do not use your waffle iron to press your clothes or for iron on patches.

72. In the unlikely event that those "M-80's" shatter your toilet, it can be stuck back together using automotive windshield silicone sealant.

73. Beer is a good fire extinguisher. Pure Grain Alcohol isn't.

74. Certain types of pizza can still be edible 5 days after you got it, even stored at room temperature. (like the time you accidentally dumped your dirty clothes on _that_ one, and didn't realize your mistake for 3 days)

75. Food dropped on the floor can still be eaten, provided you pick all the hair and lint off it first. (blowing on it helps scare the germs away)

76. Peanut butter kills the mold on bread. If your loaf went bad, stuff yourself.

77. M&M's add color to faded carpet. Just grind them in with the heel of your foot. (corn chips can provide a good balance to them)

78. Cigarette butts and broken beer bottles are desirable lawn ornaments.

79. Contrary to the movies, telephones won't work from the bottom of a fish tank.

80. Street signs are good wall hangings.

81. Fly strips turn ordinary paper into post-it notes on the refrigerator.

82. Do not use thumbtacks or nails to stick anything to your fridge.

83. Any broken chairs must have at least two legs to maintain balance. (if you have a chair with only two legs, you have to keep it propped against the wall for it to work)

84. Roach Motels can be written off against tax. (home improvements/real estate investment)

85. You cannot get drunk off of red wine vinegar.

86. Keep a bucket handy for those party guests who can't handle their alcohol. (if you have any furnishings you care about)

87. 5 minutes for a clean house: Use a garden hose. (you'll need a good spray nozzle for this)

88. The bathtub is a good place to clean dirty engine parts.

89. If, for _any_ reason, the dog is on fire, put it out. (it can spread quickly, if you just let it wander around the house)

90. Pouring liquid down the back of a television is a bad idea. Express this idea to any guests you have.

91. If you have a bf/gf you really want to impress, offer them a seat. Scrape the crust off first.

92. Duct tape can repair almost any damage done to a beanbag chair, save complete immolation, or an accident involving a chainsaw.

93. Chainsaws are _not_ considered "common household implements".

94. Corn starch will not put a crease in your shirts.

95. When you find that bone-dry 2 month old burrito in the bottom of the couch (which you were searching for beer money), you can soak it for 20 minutes to mimic freshness. (if it's older than that, it will *dissolve*, so you won't need to worry about it)

96. If you noticed that you've run out of dog food again, don't fill his bowl with that cheap salsa. (You really will need a garden hose to clean house)

97. If you never got around to putting new hinges on your front door after that party incident with the police, you can bar unauthorized entry with a two-by four wedged under the doorknob.

98. For security, you can park your motorcycle in the house. Just don't fall asleep with it running.

99. Do not try to remove facial hair with an epilady. (rather, just try one out at the mall, on some arm hair, to see what it's like. Bring extra cash to pay for the display case you'll throw it through)

100. If pressed for time, you can shave, brush your teeth, and wash your hair while showering. (don't try to blowdry your hair, though)

101. Don't hide your girly mags under the seat cushion of the sofa (if you even have cushions). This is the first place your gf will look to see if you have any. (unless that's where you keep your collection of petrified mice)

102. If your medicine cabinet has more than 1 box of unused floss, one bottle of aspirin, one of tylenol, and some cough syrup that expired in 1983, empty it immediately. Start fresh.

103. There's no law saying that the socks you're wearing have to match. They may match two socks in your dresser, but even this is merely a fashion suggestion.

104. You must immediately buy every kind of kitchen cleaner known to man. Place the cleaners in the cabinet under the kitchen sink. Never touch them again.

105. Keep your CD collection spotless. A hourly cleaning schedule is not unreasonable. Ignore the rest of the house.

106. If for some reason (like garden hoses or leaving windows open in gales) your walls have waterstains, hang an empty picture frame over it. For authenticity, scribble a ficticious signature below it. (brag about how well it goes with the room)

107. Replace all the light bulbs in your apartment with multi-colored party bulbs. (these work particularly well with christmas tree lights)

108. Find and steal a "this property is condemned by the state of (wherever). Do not enter". Nail this on your front door. (also, "Police line, do not cross" tapes are good, too)


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